October 2011
2 posts
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August 2011
2 posts
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Duck x3
Hi, internet. I’m at work so I don’t have a lot of time to explain why, but I did a google image search for “three headed duck” today and I just wanted to share some of my favorite results:
All of these are good pictures. I really like the last one. Can they all shoot fire, or just that head? Do the other heads have other powers? I like pictures that make...
July 2011
12 posts
1 tag
Anonymous asked: what is a skin tag?.
3 tags
Property of D.L.
I was wide awake at 4:30am obsessed with the idea that I should drink up enough courage to cut off my three skin tags I have on my body with some toenail clippers and then put the skin tags in a ring box and put it on a shelf in my house. Then if anyone asked about it I would say I stole it from David Lynch’s house.
I really need to get some sleeping pills.
Utility
Chase: Slapping babies, making pennies. Tiny pimp. Little fur coat made out of a squirell. Hat is half a plastic easter egg.
Girlfriend: Utility??? (Trying to say “Uuuuuhhhhhhh” but got autocorrected.)
Chase: Cadillac made out of sticks and tinfoil from the garbage can in the park. Wheels are Ritz crackers. Little matchstick pimp cane. Yeah, little tiny giant necklace that says my...
Anonymous asked: You never answered my questions. Why are you such a sexy beeeyotch?
June 2011
6 posts
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Trying To Help Michael With His Homework Again
Me: Dude what kind of paper is it? I can help. Remember how good of help I did on that one I did for you that I put on my blog?
Michael: First I need to explain how society exists only as a product of human interaction.
Then I need to explain how society also shapes human behavior. So explain how human behavior shapes society, and how that in turn shapes human behavior. Then I need to explain...
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May 2011
2 posts
1 tag
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Watchlaughingsquid:
David Lynch Talks to a Barbie Doll About His New Brand of Coffee
April 2011
1 post
4 tags
Late To The Party
So there are two shows that every nerd has been whining about for years now. I got about halfway through the pilot episodes for both of these shows twice and said, “Pfft. Boring.”
Dude from Firefly.
Dude from Arrested Development.
For years I’ve been completely indifferent to the cancellation of both shows. But I finally just gave them both a third chance and I’m...
March 2011
8 posts
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Two Amazing Adventures
CHASE'S ADVENTURE FOR MICHAEL
Chase: Text based RPG: You are standing in a long hallway. Behind you is the door you came in. Ahead of you (north) the hallway stretches on and on into blackness. You have a flashlight, a pocket knife and half of a cheeseburger wrapped up in it's paper wrapper.
Michael: attack north
what happens!
Chase: You swing your knife at the dark hallway. Nothing happens.
Michael: Shit.
go north
Chase: You travel down the hallway until you bump into a wall. (It is very dark.)
Michael: attack wall
wait!
attack flashlight
Chase: You swing your knife at the wall. It awkwardly sticks into the drywall for a moment and then comes out. You swing your knife at your flashlight. Miraculously this scratches it slightly but also turns it on. You see that you have come to a T. To the left and right are identical long dark hallways. Above you there is a small hatch that you think you could probably climb up into.
Michael: attack hatch
Chase: You swing your knife at the hatch and it sort of slightly shifts upwards and to the side.
Michael: go up
Chase: You have entered the attic. There is a lot of dust and boxes. As you scan the room you see a kobold in the corner, distracted by your stepdad's old weird porno books.
Michael: say: hey dude do you want this hamburger?
say: i found it
attack porno books
Chase: The kobold jumps up in alarm and drops the books. "Nothing!" it yells and then attacks you.
Michael: inflict: judgement
Chase: You run past the attacking kobold and attack the books. Nothing happens. The kobold rips part of your shirt and there's a little blood because he got your skin. You enrage and embarrass the kobold and he throws a heavy box at you. You drop your flashlight.
Michael: jump on the part of the attic that doesn't have a wood board on it (weird soft stuff that I'm afraid to eat)
Chase: You feel the ceiling crack and bulge slightly under your foot, but you remain standing in the attic looking like an idiot with a cheeseburger and a knife. The kobold is advancing on you.
Michael: get: old super scope six box
Chase: There is no item.
Mom threw it away.
Michael: throw knife at kobold start punching wildly in the direction of the kobold while running towards him
Chase: The knife flies through the air and strikes the kobold in the eye. It shrieks and tries to jump through the ceiling, but it just kind of wrecks it a little and remains standing there like an asshole for a minute before retreating through the opening and into the darkness. The kobold is gone, you look like a jackass.
Michael: eat hamburger
read porno
Chase: The hamburger is delicious.
You have a boner but not in a good way.
Michael: stop and listen to make sure no one else is home
Chase: You hear the kobold's whimpering fading into the distance and then silence.
Michael: look for more porno or toys
or secrets
Chase: You find your own flashlight, a bunch of old textbooks about space and some toys that were probably your moms because they suck.
Michael: go into laundry room
Chase: There isn't that.
Michael: eat soft stuff
Chase: You try to eat the fiberglass insulation but immediately your mouth rejects it and your teeth hurt.
Michael: bandage my wounds with soft stuff
Chase: Your skin itches terribly, but the small scratch from the kobold, which had already stopped bleeding, is sufficiently covered.
Michael: run as fast as I can towards where the kobold went
Chase: You run towards and then fall clumsily through the hole which you came in. You are now lying on the floor at the T junction from earlier. To the south is the door you came in. To the east and west are identical long dark hallways.
You don't know which direction he went.
Michael: Run as fast as I can torwards left run as fast as I can towards left
Chase: You gather yourself and then run down the hallway to the left. Then you turn sharply left and hit the wall. Your dumb ass is sitting on the floor with a bloody nose.
Michael: taunt
taunt anything
Chase: You taunt the wall. The wall does not give a shit.
Michael: Loudly make a joke that is offensive, but not in like a politically incorrect way, like in a way that it is so stupid that any creature nearby would want to kill me
Chase: As you are making a stupid joke, a light appears further down the hallway to your right. It is slowly coming closer to you. (You have: a knife. a porno. a burger wrapper.)
Michael: place wrapper in pocket, hold knife in right hand, read porno aloud while holding book open in left hand
Chase: As the light grows closer you can see that it is a hot princess holding a lantern. The lantern is magic and blue colored. She looks grossed out by what you're reading, but also relieved to see another human being. She is dressed in a beauitful white gown and a circlet of silver and pearls adorns her haircut.
Michael: say: hey I found this book, is it yours?
Chase: "No...no, it's not. Umm...I am the Princess Turbulon. I've been trapped here for days. Will you help me find a way out?"
Michael: say: i think it's pretty gross. also some guy just said a really stupid joke, maybe it was his? anyway, yeah babe, lets go back to my house."
Chase: The princess joins you. You are still sitting in the hall.
To the right (west) is the hallway that she came from. To the east is the junction with the door to the attic.
Michael: i go back to the door i came in at
Chase: You backtrack to the south, but as you near the door you first came in through, you see the kobold from before trying to figure out the doorknob. He looks extremely sexually frustrated and mad.
Michael: mock kobold
put my hand on princess' butt and wiggle my tongue at kobold
whisper: trust me, go with it
Chase: The kobold spins around and sees you. He is enraged. The princess also is enraged.
Michael: whisper: i've encountered this one before. his weakness is watching someone else make out with a girl
I go for it
Chase: The princess shoves you away as the kobold rushes towards you.
Michael: run past kobold, go through door and hold it closed behind me
Chase: The kobold destroys the princess and then has his way with her. Congratulations! You have finished the adventure by abandoning it! You have gained nothing. THE END.
Michael: Haha.
MICHAEL'S ADVENTURE FOR CHASE
Michael: Your turn.
You are in your living room. Your girlfriend is in the kitchen doing the dishes all angry like. You can tell she is angry that you are playing video games and not helping clean, but you are mad so you try to pretend you can't tell. This is your one day off, fucking christ! Suddenly a magic portal opens in front of your TV and a wizard steps out.
You have: a shirt on
Chase: Look astonished and cover up my privates with my hands.
Michael: He smiles and you hear a voice in your head say, "You have nothing to be ashamed of, my friend. Quickly, come with me to my home, don't make any noise though, no chicks allowed!"
Chase: I try to stall as I look around for some pants or some boxers or something.
Michael: He looks impatient. "Quickly! There is no time!"
Chase: I reluctantly join the wizard.
Michael: You travel through a CGI portal pathway that is sort of a cross between the sliders portal and the wormhole effect from Star Trek Deep Space Nine. You emerge in the second nicest Tree Fort you've ever seen.
There are like 20 dudes up there, and they gasp with relief when you show up.
The oldest, wisest looking one approaches you, smiling.
Chase: I pull my shirt down to cover my dick.
Michael: He smiles at you and says, "No need for that my friend. We have desperate need of your help!" He begins to lead you to the edge of the tree fort.
Chase: I follow him. I'm extremely uncomfortable.
Michael: He points down to the ground. There is a 10 foot tall humanoid figure completely covered in plate male with a magical firey sword. You can see red and dark shadows where his eyes should be. He looks up at you, and you hear dark muttering, almost imperceptible, surrounding you. You slowly lose track of all surroundings, he is all that you are aware of. You hear a voice in your head, cold and dead. A voice deeper than a human voice has right to be. It says, slowly, "Come to your death."
The old man pulls you back.
Chase: I push him off the edge and then yell, "Oh my God! He just fell!"
I pull my shirt back down to cover my junk.
Michael: As the old man falls, the creature below flicks his wrist. The old man bursts into a fine red mist. The wizard approaches you. "My father was always a clumsy man."
Chase: I ask if there is any clothes around I could wear.
Michael: He doesn't seem to hear you. "The creature below is Gormock. It has been prophesied that you shall defeat him in unarmed combat. The place is here, the time is now."
Chase: So...okay. How do I get down there?
Michael: "That...is your first test. You have two options. There is a wooden ladder, but it is hammered into the tree at a weird angle, so....I don't know if you want to use it. It has been prophesied that there is an alternative path through the branches on the opposite side."
Chase: I instinctively swing from branch to branch making my way down the tree.
Michael: Roll a 20 sided die. You want low.
Chase: I rolled an eleven.
Chase: http://www.wizards.com/dnd/dice/dice.htm
Michael: You make it down the tree, but your arms are kind of scratched up and your palms are all red and irritated.
Chase: Dang it. Okay. Where is that Gormok in relation to me?
Michael: He is 20 feet away, walking towards you, growing taller with each step. You can feel the air growing colder. The sky is darkening, you hear an almost imperceptible laugh that seems to be coming from all directions at once. You have: a shirt on.
Chase: He's just walking, huh? Okay, I run like hell about fifty yards to the south and start looking around for anything I can use.
Michael: You find a poorly maintained barbecuer, a shovel with some dried dog poop residue, and a locked shed.
The laugher is growing louder, the sky is pitch black, a wind is growing.
Chase: Okay, I take the shovel for sure. I start banging on the lock with the shovel.
Michael: You have a skill of 6 in shovel use. Roll a 20 (add six to it). (you want high this time)
Chase: 19
Michael: The lock breaks into two pieces!!
Chase: I enter the shed and look around quickly.
Anything rad in here?
Michael: You see: a nail gun, an axe, and an angry old man tied up in the corner.
Chase: Okay, I drop the shovel. I take the old man's pants and put them on. I take the ax.
Michael: You have an ax and a shirt on and pants on.
Chase: I slap the old man on the penis and then I exit the shed.
Michael: You have one more action before the creature is at the shack.
Roll a 20. You have a skill of 4 in slap.
Chase: I got 19 again.
Michael: Sweet, that hits. Role a 6 sided, add 2.
Chase: 8
Michael: Damn. You channel all the anger you had from your passive aggressive fight with your girlfriend, he moans with pain as you crush his balls with all of your strength. As you leave the shack, you hear him coughing and weeping.
Chase: Haha! Awesome. Okay, I face the mighty Gormack or whatever his name is. Is he about here then?
Michael: The almighty Gormok looks you up and down. You here a deep, horrible voice within your head say, "You have done well to make it this far. You are not of this world, for my magic cannot hurt you. A battle of physical might it shall be! Lay down your weapon, and your death shall be quick."
Chase: "Before you kill me, Gormok, I have one question for you!"
Michael: "You are amusing, human! I will answer one question."
(sounds like, "HU-MAN")
Chase: I jump forward and slam that axe into his dick as hard as I can.
Michael: Roll a 20! You have a skill of 6 in axe.
Chase: 18
Michael: His armor crunches into his dick, he staggers back, roaring with rage. "Deception! Your death is moments away!"
He gets an attack now
Chase: Okay
Michael: He swings his magical, fiery sword at you, he rolls a 20 to hit.
Now he has to roll location
He hits you in the abdomen for
8 points of damage
Your stomach is bleeding!
Your move
Chase: Is that pretty bad?
Okay, I dart around him and try to pry some of that sweet ass plate armor off. Whatever part seems like it isn't on there that good.
Michael: There is a deep gash in your stomach, but the magical fire seems to have stopped the bleeding. Your adrenaline is preventing you from fully feeling the pain. Okay, roll a luck (a 20 sided die, you want low)
Chase: 9
Michael: Okay, in his arrogance, the almighty Gormack has forgotten to put on the back part of his armor! You have one attack before he turns around and attacks you
(his skin is made of absolute blackness)
Chase: Wait, no bullshit. I was trying to pry something off, not find a weakness. There is no armor on his back area whatsoever?
Michael: Just on his back thighs.
Chase: Well I want to pry at that.
Michael: Okay, roll a 20. You have a skill of 2 in pry.
Chase: 12
Michael: (you have to get a 15 total to successfully pry)
Chase: Crap!
Michael: Uh oh, you try to pry, but it appear that the armor he has on is bonded with his skin!
He swings!
Chase: Fall down fall down!
Michael: You already did your action for the round He hits you in the left arm for 3 points of damage!
Chase: Ow, asshole. Okay, I hit him in the cock with my axe.
Michael: Roll
Chase: 1d20+6, right?
Michael: Yes.
Chase: 20!
Michael: Roll damage!
Chase: Which is that?
Michael: Umm, what is your strength? (you can tell me or role 4 die six and choose the highest three)
Chase: 4+4+5
Michael: 13
Chase: So...what do I do now?
Michael: Okay, so, you get a plus 1 bonus to damage. So roll a 10 sided die and add 1 point to it.
Chase: 10
Michael: Okay, his already damaged armor breaks! He roars, and you hear a bit of pain mixed in with his rage. You see green acidic blood dripping down onto the ground. You hear a voice in your head, "Fool! Your death will be slow!"
He swings!
Chase: Fine, good.
Michael: Whoa, he rolled a 1! Critical failure! In his pain, he jabs and misses! He stumbles and falls onto the ground, his back is exposed to you, his butt is in the air!
Chase: I place my axe on his butt crack, but before I strike, I speak to him.
Michael: What do you say?
Chase: Gormack! Hear me! I have a proposition.
Michael: "Gormack is humiliated! Gormack will listen!"
Chase: I can continue to fuck up your balls and your butts, or we can work out a deal. In this shed is a stupid old man. I have already given you one life today. I offer you this one as well, and I will deliver all of the men in the tree fort to you as well. I ask only that you grant me your sword and transport me to my home.
Michael: "Your offer is accepted! I will go into the shed and eat the old man, you can go up there and tell those FOOLS that it is safe! Bwahahaha!"
Chase: Do I have his sword now?
Michael: Yes.
Chase: I bring it to the treefort as proof that I have killed him, and inform the men in the fort that the gormack had food and treasure hidden in a shed about 500 yards to the south. I ask them for payment, also.
Michael: The old men cheer! Tears fall down their faces as they hug each other and begin to climb down the path that you established. The wizard, smiling, offers to grant you a magical boon in reward for your good work. "I will use my remaining mana to grant you a wish, as long as it is within my power, then I will lead my friends to the treasure of which you speak!"
Chase: I wish you to summon me a suit of badass magical armor, or some hot babes. Or both. I don't really know how powerful you are, but I did just save you from that huge monster, soo...
Michael: He looks a little ashamed. "I do not have the power to summon these things for more than a few moments. Perhaps...perhaps you will accept this?" he offers you his robe, which is clearly magical.
Chase: Fine. Thanks, I guess. I put on the robe and wait for him and the others to leave. Then I eat whatever is laying around and I wait for that asshole Gormax to eat the dudes and transport me home.
Michael: Okay, they go down to the shed, as the wizard opens the door, he screams. They all run and being bursting into mist. Gormack begins consuming their souls. You hear, shouted, "I am of my word! Here is the portal back to your homeword! My sword is yours, you will grow stronger with each kill! Also I found this bag with like $100,000 of HU MAN money in it I don't want!"
Chase: Sweeet. I go home.
Michael: You realize that while wearing the robe all of your injuries are healing themselves really fast!
Chase: Nice.
Michael: Okay, you jump through the portal.
Chase: Cool, I sit my sword-havin', robe-havin', money-havin' ass down and get back to my game.
Sorry, I know that was a little long. I just did so well in my adventure that I wanted preserve it and also share it with the world.
February 2011
1 post
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January 2011
3 posts
1 tag
Top 5 Vans
Today I stayed home sick. Want to know what vans I like? Look:
I know it’s an obvious choice, but the A-Team van is one of the best vans ever made. Everyone recognizes it immediately. One of the best TV show vehicles of all time. Better than the batmobile. I honestly believe that.
Next, I pick any of these ridiculous Japanese vans.
This thing looks NUTS. I love it. It looks like a...
2 tags
Fishes and Steaks
I got this email today and I got extremely excited about it, but I don’t have any money on my card and the deal is for today only. I am so sad about it. Look at how awesome this deal is:
Enough meat to last me for months PLUS some knives and a new cutting board. Oh man, I am so mad that I don’t have sixty bucks right now. I’m going to set aside some of my check this week. Next...
December 2010
4 posts
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Turtledactyl Round 2
Oh shit! Time for more turtledactyls! Yesterday I got my first smartphone. In four days it is Christmas. Today I have new turtle monsters to post. I don’t want to say which of these things is most exciting to me, but I will: it’s the turtledactyls! Ahhhh!
First and grandest of the pictures I’m going to post today comes from Michael. (Duh.)
This time he decided to go with a...
I wrote this poem for my girlfriend today at work....
6 tags
Michael's Homework
Michael didn’t want to write some ten page paper he has to turn in tomorrow, so he asked if I would do it for him. The title is “Alienated from the Products of their Engagements: Understanding Civic Disengagement Among Contemporary Emerging Adults using the Theories of Karl Marx.”
I didn’t have time to write the whole thing for him, but this should get him started:
...
November 2010
4 posts
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October 2010
2 posts
1 tag
2 tags
September 2010
8 posts
Saul...
radiotelevision:
The final product.
The original.
This took me much longer than most basement pictures but it’s probably my best yet, technically.
Girlfriend’s latest art. This thing took her forever. The lightbulbs on the Christmas lights? Hand drawn. She is getting pretty good at this.
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Bieber vs. Cobain
via TheDailyWhat